A promise in the dark

I always felt secure with him, sure we had our ups and downs but I always felt sure that he loved me, he proposed to me after all, asked me to have his child, so surely he must love me, right? It came as quite a shock to find out that he was having an affair. “I love you too, babe” was the first thing that caught my attention when I opened up his messages. The message was sent to a Tanya, I am not said Tanya. Now, normally I don’t make a habit of snooping through anyone’s phone, let alone my live in partner of 3 years. My brain was screaming at me from the inside “WHAT THE HELL!!!?” so, hungry for more information I continued reading and my brain absorbed so much dirt in that 5 minutes that I was alone with that phone that it, and I, was ready to BURST. I was beyond ANGRY, to make matters worse some of the texts ‘she’ was asking how are her sons, how dare that b* call MY sons her sons!!! I was shaking and I felt like I was having an out of body experience, though my legs were walking me towards him and my arms were angrily snatching our son out of his grasp I was totally NUMB. “Give me my son” I spat out. Confused, he grabbed my arm questioningly and I looked at him with the devils eyes and told him with no ounce of doubt that I knew all about Tanya. Well, what could he say to that? He denied it of course, not realising that I had some how managed to get into his password protected phone and read all the incriminating messages. I promptly filled him in on what I had been doing for the past couple of minutes and he was stock-still silent. I was disappointed, I was hoping for more of a reaction then that! How could he be sitting there calmly while I was off my rocker! I started grabbing bags and filling them up, throwing out little snippets of what was going through my mind “I just gave birth to your second child!”…”You LOVE her?!” He didnt say anything but his fingers were twitching and his eyes were roving from side to side, clearly doing some “quick thinking” (how do I get out of this). I suppose he realised there was no escape, I knew everything, and that was that, because out of the blue he jumped up and ran to me, grabbed me tightly and locked me in a bear hug “dont go” he pleaded. “It was a mistake”. I was fighting to get out of his grasp but it was no use, he was too strong. Defeated, I finally let the tears come.

cracked heart

It hurt to think that all those years I spent being a faithful girlfriend, producing his children, caring for them, devoting all my time to working and caring for my new little family, spending all my hard earned money on that as* and for what, only to be stabbed in the guts, big time. I felt like our whole life together was a lie, just one big ‘promise in the dark’. Our newborn kept crying and our eldest had fallen asleep I decided not to move out right then and there, in the morning, I resolved. We stayed up most of the night crying and talking about our issues and our feelings. He was definitely sorry, I knew that much, there was no mistaking the torment on his face, however he did have some issues with me, namely that he didn’t feel I ever cared about him the way he cared about me, I could see why he would say that. He begged for a second chance, and I, possibly foolishly, relented. It was no easy feat trying to put our relationship back together, I was hurt and distrustful, he also became suspicious of me certain that I would “pay him back” but somehow we battled our way through it and all the heart ache wasn’t for nothing. Its been 3 years since that fateful day and surprisingly our relationship is now, one of steel – stronger than ever before. We are now home owners, welcoming another baby in May 2016 and planning a 2017 wedding.

As the great Bob Marley said “The truth is everyone is going to hurt you. You just have to find the one worth suffering for.” Well – he has definitely made me suffer, that’s for sure.

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