I will always remember you

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It has been six years since you departed this world as a vibrant, beautiful, stunning, classy young woman. This is how I will remember you and this is the image I have of you embedded forever in my mind. It is with a heavy heart that I tell the tale of your depression, I try to block this out and to remember you as a happy person, but the fact is you werent always happy.

It started in our senior year, you entered a turbulent relationship with a handsome muso, a fellow classmate and an old flame from earlier years. You fell for him hard. We all liked him, he was a nice guy. But the relationship ended as he instead started dating another girl, a friend of yours no less. I still hate her to this day, which is possibly unfair because I dont hate him at all. This is when it all started. I knew your sadness ran much deeper than just being upset about your break up and angry for the betrayal of your friend. This was no ‘ordinary sadness’. I would often be asked by teachers to check on you, they could see it too. You would be missing from class and so I would search for you, I would often find you holed up in a stall in the ladies bathroom and I would climb the door and try my best to comfort you. You once said to me “I like talking to you, you always make me feel better”. I liked that you felt that way but now those words sting, I should have been there for you more. Done more. Told your parents. But I didnt want you to hate me. What good is hate now when you are gone. Gone forever.

A new guy entered the scene and he was devilishly handsome. Its funny because he was your saviour and also your demise. You seemed so much happier, laughing and partying and I didnt see as many tears. You were getting better. Senior year ended and we all moved on, got jobs and started to form our adult lives but to my surprise you stayed in school, repeated your senior year. I always thought you were brave for doing it, you wanted to get the best results possible so you could go even higher with your education and I admired you for that, you didnt fear being teased or being called dumb for having to repeat. During this time I hardly saw you as I was now a working class girl and you were still a student. You started hanging out with a new group of girls but I still saw you from time to time. I would visit you at home and we would have a laugh, catch up. Then you moved in with your boyfriend and it was hard to see you then. You didnt have a cell phone, you never went out. A few times you would pop by my place drag on your cigarette while we had a quick chat and quickly leave again as he was always waiting for you. Then out of the blue you came to see me and this was no quick visit. We lay on my bed and chatted for ages. You told me you loved me and gave me a hug goodbye. I didnt realise you meant goodbye goodbye. You comitted suicide a few days later and I was devastated but not really surprised.

I later watched a documentary on suicide and bells rang. The commentator said that suicide victims often seemed happier before they died as they had come to peace with their decision, convinced this would be the end of their pain. They would often visit loved ones and say goodbye. You did this and I know now that you had made up your mind already before coming to see me. I am greatful that you did, I am greatful that I had that snapshot of time with you before you did it.

Im sorry I wasnt there for you more. Maybe I could have saved you, helped you to get over your depression but I was too wrapped up in my new life. This will always weigh heavy on my heart. Despite the pain remembering this brings me I am glad I knew you. I am glad you lived. I hope you know.

Rest In Peace dear friend, 1989 – 2009.

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